Where to begin

I haven’t written in a while, i’ve been caught up in many different worlds an minds that i kinda got lost…. So this is just a quick update

So where to begin… Well in my last post i wrote about my diet, if you read my blog you’ll know ive struggled with my weight an eating disorders from the age of about 14, i lasted about four months, i was doing keto, an it was going so well, at first i was keeping a diet book, just what id eaten an if i did my workout that day, just like a ten minute exercise thing id came up with

But then the book took a dark turn, i was writing pages of motivation to myself, horrible things, an writing lists of names to call myself before i ate etc i joined a pro ana website, an started watching eating disorder documentaries on youtube everyday to again motivate myself, after a while though i started to slip an treats an real food started to creep into my diet, so i started making myself sick, i was chewing food an spitting it out while also taking laxatives.. Or id starve, that only lasted a few weeks until i just gave up, i just couldnt take it anymore, so about 4 months or about 100 days i lasted, 3 months on an I’ve already gained back 2 stone of the weight, a lot of which would be water weight based on the diet i was doing, ive gone the opposite way now an back to bingeing 

It was a dark moment between obsession an self hatred, making me depressed an suicidal, ive been down that road many times, i just have to except that im never going to have a normal relationship with food

Right now im struggling between dieting an not sticking to it very well

If im honest, which i hadnt mentioned before, yes i was doing it for me an i cant lie it felt great looking at the scale an getting compliments etc but id met this guy online, as i said im open minded, love is were you find it etc 

But i got insecure, an thats mainly why i started the diet, we havent even met yet, so you see where i was coming from…  at first we lived about 4 hours apart, which to be honest for me was pushing it a little, an after last time i said i wouldnt meet someone online again, because we developed feelings first, an then in real life when we met there was no chemistry, for me at least.. So anyway, then he moved to england! Which at that point i should have called it quits, which i kind of did, i tried to be friends, an then maybe meet an see, while in the mean time live our lives, its too complicated for something thats basically only been lived on paper, if you know what i mean

But enough of that, cause at this point we barely speak, an the whole thing is ridiculous, i just never wanted to be someone who settled for what i thought i could get, because i hate myself so much that no one should have to be stuck with me, like im a punishment

its like my younger brother, an his relationship, sometimes you think its better to have someone than no one… 

His girlfriend gave birth to their second child, but they still fall out a lot, but no matter what they always keep getting back together, we all agree that she puts up with so much an after everything my brothers done, i dont see how there could be any love there, but like i said above…..

Hes having scans done now for his liver, because as i mentioned before, he has hepatitis, which he got while taking drugs, using a dirty straw from someone else or something like that, it must of had blood on it.. Hes turned up to his last two appointments where he was going to begin treatment drunk, an so now hes been pushed down the list, i dont think he gets how serious it is, his liver is scarred an hes in the early stages of jaundice, hes been warned while on treatment he cant drink at all for three months, but as i said he couldnt even go to his appointments sober

He doesnt drink while with his girlfriend, but once away from her an out of town either to come visit us or to go to an appointment, he drinks, he even causes fights between them as an excuse to leave so he can drink

My older brother lately has gone off the deep end, drinking everyday, an taking drugs, hes waiting to see about going to rehab shortly but in the mean time he’s moved out of town, hes living in a hostel, hes in an out of hospital for cutting himself, he almost drowned in a pond, he got kicked out of one hostel an spent the night in a sleeping bag in a graveyard! Hes falling an hurting himself, hes getting into fights, hes abusing his body so much the doctors have told him hes in the early stages of dementia, he may not even live past another year an hes only 34

Its like another day another drama

My mum has to go to hospital tomorrow for an mri because the cysts she has on her ovaries are growing, the doctors actually said one has teeth an hair, the blood tests came back clear, an so this mri scan i believe is because, after her c sections years ago, her womb is fused to her bowel, an as shes now headed for a hysterectomy, which in her case will be more complicated, they wanna see what they are dealing with first, and i guess to rule out cancer.. So its scary, all while dealing with the families crazy

I hope all goes well, theres never a dull moment but those moments arent happy ones



Just a little post to update

recently i had an appointment with the mental health team, it again was a social worker, a new one as the woman i had been seeing ramdomly left, personally i get annoyed because social workers arent normally trained in mental illness an they dont hide the fact they have no clue, but as ive requested not to see the psychiatrist, as to me his eyes are just hollow an hes robotic an i dont like him, i get the feeling we feel the same about each other 

But as i dont want to see him, i have to see people that are meant to report back to him, though nothing ever comes from it… Hes leaving soon an there will be a new psychiatrist, so theres light at the end of the tunnel there

This social worker, marcus, however was trained in dealing with anxiety, an i get im a sufferer of it, but thats all he focused on, i guess as thats all he knows, he offered me this six session course on anxiety, which for now ive decided not to go ahead with

I told him id like to do it in conjunction with counselling, to which he told me counselling was a step backwards, in my opinion you have to take a step forward in that respect to then go back which i havent been able to really do, an i think counselling is always beneficial, he starting saying how much it would change my life, an it may have but it was so self indulgent an off putting, dont get me wrong he was a nice man, but dont sell me a dream, if he had of said, it may not even help you, but its worth a try, i may have tried it

I know it sounds silly but i felt like i was being brain washed by a cult leader

I told him a little about my life, my family, how i was feeling, i cried etc i tried my best to be open, told him about the abuse i get sometimes from stangers… He thinks im anxious from past trauma, my childhood etc an that im sad, an that was it really, for now im signed out because im confused, i dont want to waste the mans time an i feel lost, i said id see my doctor first an come up with a plan

I go through days in a daze, to where i feel like someone else, an i dont even know where i am, dreams an memories become blurred, i get confused an have memory loss, im just trying to keep it together but ive had enough, thats what i told marcus, ive had enough, he just smiled an as i cried he left the room to get me info on anxiety, so yeah

Im just tired of the struggle, the physical an mental torment on a daily basis, and the toxic things and people that surround me, not to be morbid but my aunt an i visited my grandas grave recently as it was his memorial, looking around i thought life is so short, an this is how it ends, so sad, we only get one life and this is how im spending it, this, especially my granny, is not the life they would have wanted for me

i punish myself alot because as much as i complain here, i do really try

On a better note im on a diet, ive lost half a stone an ive quit smoking, just a week so far, an i have had the odd cig but i havent bought any myself, im trying at least, ive cleared out my room an got rid of a lot, its a cleansing moment im having 


Just Let Me Breathe

I’m trying to use all the will power i have to just get through the days, life right now is so overwhelming, for some it would be nothing but i cant deal with anything right now

How many times have you asked yourself when will this end

Anything an everything is setting me off, my emotions are very unstable, i almost broke down in a bank appointment yesterday just because the woman was nice to me

I feel like im always tied to my past an my time in foster care, like im not allowed to move on, in the bank yesterday i finally got my address properly changed because it was still under the childrens home address, from 15 years ago! But there was never a real need to change it but now it has been, my claim against social services was settled two years ago, as was my brothers an i felt it was finally over, there was nothing left to tie me to my past 

But my brothers never let me move on or forget, i dont mind talking about it cause for me personally ive moved on, an choose to focus on the positives from that time, but it was my childhood so i cant not talk about it at times

My two brothers are drunk as usual, an they fell out an rang me, my older brother bringing up an old welfare report from like 20 years ago, when either i or my younger brother had told social services that our older brother was trying to kiss us… Wanting to know which one of us said it, how can i remember that far back, i was like 10-11, an why would i want too, regardless of who said it, how could i for example be held responsible for something i said as a child, we were all children

But thats what i get regularly, like my younger brother recently saying he was sexually abused an raped by staff members, its the first i heard of it, an i lived with him at the time, we told each other everything, was he lying for the court case, does he believe his own imagination i dont know, i do know him an the person he was back then

Yes at that time i did tell on my older brother (as you know my older brother got to stay at home) because he was a bully an used to hit us, try to suffocate me with pillows etc when we’d visit mum on a saturday, an i told them how he would physically assault our aunt constantly, his excuse being he thinks our aunt molested him as a child but cant actually remember it happening, of course im going to tell someone, our pasts are messy

They are both at our aunts, the older one got kicked out of his hostel but got into another one today, my younger brother an his girlfriend fell out again an he headbutted her, shes 2 months pregnant…

My mum and aunt were very badly depressed lately, both at the same time, mental illness runs in the family, my mum crying, an my aunt saying she was close to taking her own life, i get that an im sympathetic, i really am because ive been there myself, but i cant be around that, i dont want to keep hearing it, i dont want to deal with it, this family is too toxic and as i said im getting a place of my own, i have to get away for my own sanity

Tonight my brothers came to our house, they brought up the report, which i predicted,  were squaring up to fight each other, calling each other names, then starting on our neighbours, an pee’ing from the back door instead of going to the toilet, mum eventually had enough an threatened to phone the police if they didnt leave, they left, i had my aunt phoning me telling me she was suicidal again, i dont blame her for feeling that way, having to put up with that constantly, we only get a taste of it an it is not good for your state of mind

I want peace, i dread living alone though because i know when drunk my brothers will come banging on my door, or god forbid get into trouble again with the law an need a bail address an want to live with me, but i have to get away from this family i cant breathe, i feel trapped an they are making me ill

Where now? Down the rabbit hole!

Life for me could be changing in a big way soon, by my standards at least

As you know my mum is on the waiting list for a bungalow, an could be offered a new place at anytime, when she does they said i would be given homeless points, which i hope will be enough to get a place of my own, as to be honest its no longer healthy in my mind to still be at home, i am 31 now, but what kept me here were a few reasons, i grew up in foster care, so ive been making up for lost time, i felt safe here, an i never felt ready, through my mental illness an fear of being alone 

But as i said, it feels right, as hard as it may be, i have to start thinking of a future, my future, which i havent allowed myself to do, you know yourself with mental illness like depression etc you can barely think or want to even think of tomorrow, let alone a year from now

Im just so done with life, im not going out as much an im eating none stop, im so tired but when i sleep i have nightmares an racing thoughts, i jump out of my sleep gasping for air, which the doctor says is parasomnia an not sleep apnea, i wake up an i feel almost hungover, my mind has become my biggest bully an my worst enemy

I feel worthless an lost, im paranoid an anxious, self conscious an depressed, im happy one minute an angry the next, i keep fogetting to take my medication so that doesnt help, how can you forget to take a tablet every morning, but then im confused a lot, dizzy, forgetful, im losing periods of time which doesnt help my paranoia

apart from this blog i dont complain an i barely allow people to really know how i feel, i smile i laugh but its hollow

I do talk to mum sometimes, i see the doctor an mental health team, ive had so many tests, physical an blood work, over the last two years, because i have somatic pain due to anxiety an it can mimic any illness, but all tests come back clear, which you would think is a good thing but now i try to avoid the doctors because i feel like im seen as a hypochondriac an not taken seriously 

they keep telling me to go out more, like its a cure, i do try, i was going out every day for a while until as i told you i was badly abused verbally by a group of boys, as you know i also have a form of social phobia, so things like that make graded exposure harder to do, they need to understand as i said im 31, ive been around a while now an ive tried, i havent just given up but i just cant deal with it an why should i if it takes too much out of me

Anyway, i told you my older brother had left rehab to go to independent living in belfast, he had a party in the flat an they kicked him out, he moved home to our aunts again but then decided to go back to belfast an live in a hostel, maybe our aunts was to much of a reminder of his past, i dont know, but then he left the hostel an moved in with a girl he met at rehab, was drinking on an off, spent a night on the streets, being taken to hospital for his own safety cause he was walking out in front of cars, an threatening to kill himself

Now hes back at our aunts as he caught a bad flu or something, all the while buying an taking those nerve damage medication lyrica or something like that…. 

My younger brother was living with us for a while there as he too was drinking an fell out with his girlfriend again, that includes going to belfast to drink with our older brother, why his girlfriend keeps taking him back i dont know, but then she just found out shes pregnant with their second child

This is another reason why i need to move, i cant deal with the stress of being around my family its too toxic, its not my house so i have no say, but our mum is too soft, she can talk a big game but never follows through an they know that

I feel for my mum, but i cant listen to her complain anymore about pain, she has arthritis, an i get the whole pain thing, but i feel she puts her illness above others an its not a competition, i may sound cruel, but she can still do everything like she did before, but now it causes mild to moderate pain, or discomfort, an i understand that, but it adds to the negativity im surrounded by 

she only leaves the house for the doctors or to gamble,my step dad works his main job an two side jobs to make more money which my mum gambles a lot of, though she does always pay him back, eventually, an always gets what we need for the house first, but he always gives in an i feel hes become a passive aggressive ticking timebomb, who in my opinion has become too close to the dog, almost unhealthy so, not in a creepy way, just too much at times  

Like i said before we are the mr men of crazy

Falling Apart… Slowly

I’ve been meaning to write a post for a while, but just couldn’t bring myself to, but after the last few days i had to share how I’m feeling

Im feeling really depressed, an ive just about given up all hope, lately an over the last two years my physical health has become worse than my mental health, every time id go to the doctors, he’d tell me it was due to anxiety, so after a while i felt like i was being seen as a hypochondriac, so i stopped going, and up until last week i hadn’t gone to the doctors for about six months, i felt nervous an paranoid, id make appointments an then cancel them last minute 

All my tests were coming back clear, so what was i to think, to do, every week it seemed like i had a new issue, a new symptom

I finally forced myself to go last week, he did ask do i want tests, to which i said whats the point, cause its all the same things ive had tests for, i did ask for bloods though, and for an inflammation marker test to be added into it cause something is going on, and that test helps with diagnosing Fibromyalgia, its not normal to be in pain an to feel so tired

He said i need to get out more, walk the dog, maybe get a bike or go for a picnic, to get a bit of a spark about me… i have social phobia, which makes it hard for me to be in public an around strangers, im 31 years old now an ive tried really hard to over come it, i just cant, they tell me these things as though it should be easy, an its not, ive been trying graded exposure for years, i have tried my best

Last night i went into town, by myself, and it was dark, you can see how that would be hard, a group of boys came out of a house, i could tell they were drunk, i went into panic mode, but kept going, they were on the other side of the road but i could hear them talking about me, one guy said i lived in his estate, an that i was gay, someone must have said how do you know or something,  cause i could hear him say look at how he walks, i guess saying it behind my back was better than to me but it was still hurtful

Ive never talked about my sexuality on here, because its never been an issue, not really, i hate labels but if i have to be labelled, id say i was open minded, not gay or straight, love is were you find it, thats what i believe, but being labelled is something im used too

When i finally got away from them, got my stuff an headed home, it was dwelling on me an i held back tears, i told myself this is when you either stay strong or fall apart, which is it gonna be, i pulled myself together, told myself it wasn’t as bad as i was making it an i was ok

Just as i crossed the road to turn into near where i lived, two boys came from a neighbouring estate, at first i thought one was saying come here to a friend, but actually he was shouting queer at me, that was ok at first until he started adding the word basterd an then saying i was specky, specky long haired basterd, i laugh now because its so stupid, he could have tried a lot harder an said a lot worse, an all those things are mostly true, although my hair isnt really long, just longer than those army type cuts they all get, the scary part was the anger in his voice, sometimes, as anxious as i am i would shout fuck off or something, but last night i had visions of them running up behind me so i stayed quiet 

It did get me down, i did feel worthless an like doing something silly, but im stronger than i once was, an i wont allow them to scare me, or stop me from going out etc now that ive come so far, ive never been a fighter like my brothers, ive never done anything wrong to anyone, im quiet an keep to myself, but that means little to some people in life

Though i wont be going out at night for a while, i wish the doctor could see all this and understand how hard it is an can be

Im tired of hearing, ignore them, be the bigger person, if they are calling you names they’re leaving someone else alone, Its easy to say when you have no idea what its like

Support from my family is lacking, but i know im not alone, we all have our own lives an problems, but sometimes they make me feel miserable too

My younger brother again fell out with his girlfriend, was drinking an had to stay with us, i was told how grey my hair was an that i have a double chin now as ive gained weight, makes you feel loved right? when even your family criticises you, i dyed my hair today, but it wasnt even that bad, they just pick at every flaw an it drives me crazy sometimes

My older brother has left rehab an is now in independent living, hes just away home after two weeks of living back with our aunt, lying that there was a family emergency an had to come home, really a girl that had been in his rehab was on the run from the police after breaking her bail conditions an she needed a place to hide for a while, she an my brother are sort of together, casually… She was handing herself in last i heard

In the mean time hes started taking pain killers an muscle relaxers, trading one addiction for another

My aunt is now running around an sleeping with a childhood friend, coming back after smoking joints an covered in love bites… My Mums arthritis is getting worse an i feel for her, but i cant listen to her talk about how sore her knee is anymore, i need to get away, this family is not healthy for me, im going crazy

I see the mental health team on the 8th of may, i need help cause i have no where to turn, I’ve  been worn down an im just tired of it all

A Codeine A Day…¬†

its almost christmas again, as i get older i still try to hold on to traditions from childhood, an easter egg on easter, carving a pumpkin for halloween etc but as time goes by, everything feels more hollow somehow, theres less excitment than before, theres no sense of wonder, maybe that comes with age, but i dont believe that

I feel sufforcated in this family, an its pulling me down, everyday im surrounded by the same stories of how everyone else is feeling, conversations ive had a hundred times before
things never seem to change, but as the saying goes, we have to be the change we want to see, an change is what i need, in the new year, im moving out, ive made up my mind, i need to have my own room to breathe, mum has in for a move herself, her arthritis is getting worse an with the stairs an being so isolated so far from town etc an with my step dad at work all day, she wants to move

I guess i’ll have to go private, cause the housing executive only gave me forty points, twenty of those was because im not well, which is nothing, i cant get homeless points added until mum excepts an offer on a new place an god knows how long that could take, an even then as a single man… so hence why im thinking private rented

I’m not happy in myself either, i was trying to take better care of myself for a while, id lost over a stone an was grooming myself better, hair cuts an shaving more often, little things, but i just fell back into old habits an regained the weight again an became lazy, depression has a way of doing that to me, i say lazy but really you just dont care anymore, id rather run around dirty in a bin bag to be honest, than have to conform to please others when it does nothing for me

i haven’t been going to the doctors, even though im feeling really ill, im just too anxious, they dont listen an every time i feel sick or am in pain im told its just anxiety, which makes me feel like some crazy guy making up ailments for attention an each time im taken less seriously

i haven’t heard from the mental health team either, the social worker i see now, always seems to be on holiday, who needs a holiday every two week, an as i told you before, they are saying i dont need medication, but that i feel better having it than not, so thats why i get it… i give up with these people

I cant speak to my family because im always over shadowed by someone else, my older brother is going into rehab after christmas, but its like hes trying to get as much drinking done as he can first, getting drunk an taking medication an cutting himself, being taken to hospital an wasting everyones time by going home the next day without getting help, if he behaved this way sober, i could understand, but he gets drunk an turns violent an acts out, he lives with our aunt who has to suffer with it, an the thanks she gets, he gave her a black eye because he woke up after drinking, he was calling for her an she wasnt home

my aunt has her own problems, her daughter was adopted, shes now twelve an is starting to ask questions, as you would, she sees her mum, my aunt, three times a year, but right now being confused about everything, she doesnt want to see my aunt for a while, which im sure is heart breaking, she also lost a baby a few years ago an it would have been her birthday not too long ago, an like my mum she has health problems of her own, an she gets a lot of abuse from my brothers calling her names about her weight etc its sad

An thats why i avoid going to their house, i dont need anymore misery, walking on egg shells an feeling uncomfortable

but we all get it, my younger brother, drunk, was making fun of my hair on friday, its childish, an you cant say anything because you get laughed at an told its only a joke, my hair was longer cause as i said i hadnt been looking after myself, when styled it was ok, but i had bed head an looked a mess, i couldnt really afford it but got it cut that day because i allowed him to make me feel bad, if its not that its the clothes i wear, the things i do, when my beard grows theres a few greys in it these days, the fact ive been single for quite a while, an my weight, which goes up an down alot, depending on how im feeling… its always something, my brothers are sheep, you know those boys who all have the same hair cut, an all wear the same brand name track suits, trainers an iphones etc thats who they are, where as ive always tried to be my own person, as much as i can anyway

talking about friday, my younger brother got drunk an got arrested an held over night, the police were only checking on him to see if he was ok, but he became abusive so they arrested him, hes on probation so hes looking at jail time again, i came home to mum crying to find that out, you ask whats wrong, but you’re thinking, whats happened this time

He’s about to come into some money next year, an has said he would pay for him an i to go on a cruise, to see the northern lights, i love the water an its something ive always wanted to do, but two weeks just him an i trapped on a boat an him drunk doesnt sound too exciting… His money will be controlled by the courts because in his hands id hate to see what could happen

i just want some sense of a normal life, as you know i myself grew up in foster care, an moved home at seventeen, an this has been my life ever since, ive never known a normal life, so you see why i have to get away now, i dont know why i havent already, making up for lost time but mostly fear i guess, just like how i havent changed doctors or done a lot of things

I feel lost, an lonely, im very emotional lately, somedays i find myself taking a codeine painkiller just to get trough the day, which doesnt sound like anything, but for me it works like diazepam an its only one, so im not abusing painkillers or anything

I’m keeping this post shorter than id like, cause im using a touch screen on the wordpress app which i hate, an its taking me forever to type this, no spell check or automatic punctuation that made me look like i was of at least average intelligence, oh blackberry how i miss you…

I Don’t Want To Be Me

I’m not myself, an this post probably won’t make sense but I need to clear my mind a little

I feel like I’m going crazy, like my mind has a million thoughts an voices, an they are so loud sometimes, I try to ignore it, but its like being followed by someone shouting at you an you can’t get away from them

I see people walk by me all the time, lost in their own lives, I sit there an I feel so invisible, I watched a movie last night an a line from it was, the worst thing you can do when you lock someone in a room, is press their face against the window, an you know its true, I’ve been a prisoner of my own making for so long, like I’ve been asleep for years

But now I’m waking up an I see so much, I see everything, I even see things before they happen, I’m not saying visions or anything, I just see things, like intuition, my mind is always so switched on an I can’t turn it off

Other peoples happiness is starting to make me angry, an I’m not a resentful person, I just want to scream sometimes because I feel so angry inside, like I could explode, but I hold it in

I feel like I’ve lived the same day a million times, an like I’ve had the same conversations the same, I can’t take it, I can’t be around it anymore, its like living in a bad movie

I see myself through someone else’s eyes sometimes, like its not me, I become confused walking the same path I’ve walked hundreds of times, but its like I’m lost, or there for the first time

Some days I wake up, an my emotions an views have completely changed, my whole being as a person, its like every night I go to bed that me dies, an a new person wakes up everyday

I don’t wanna see it anymore, I’m not suicidal, so don’t worry about me, but I don’t want to be part of this world anymore, I just don’t, but what can I do, I don’t want to die, an I don’t want to live, I just don’t want to be me

I don’t wanna be so, awkward, an backward, I wanna be happy when I can’t, its like mental illness controls your mind with a sort of pride, an it won’t let you be who you want to be..

I can hug strangers, but I can’t hug my family, I can’t say I love you, even if I do, I’m not even sure I feel love, I don’t want to be so guarded, so cold toward others, I feel broken because I’m not normal, its my normal, but I’m not normal,

They recently increased my duloxetine back to 6omg, which I’m used to, I asked them to, apart from that I’m only on mirtazapine 15mg, they aren’t meant to go together but I need something to help me sleep, they won’t give me sleeping tablets

Yet they tell me tablets won’t help me, but they’ll give me them anyway because it makes me feel better having them than not, that’s really irresponsible, an kinda f**ked up if you ask me, especially as my doctor just gave me a speech about serotonin syndrome

Its like putting a rat in a maze, me being the rat

They don’t get it, they’re paid to get it, but they don’t, you’re just another 15 minute meal ticket, 15 minutes an another couple of hundred to pay off a student loan or a mortgage, an don’t forget it, you can’t trust these people, they don’t care about you, when they go home at night, do they think about you, no, they leave you in the office, buried in paper work, you’re a name on a piece of paper or a prescription

You’re pouring your heart out, an they’re probably wondering what’s for lunch later

Sometimes it feels like you’ve fallen a hell of a long way down, you keep climbing, trying to reach the top again, when you realize someones been standing on your fingers the whole time

The only person you can really depend on is yourself, sometimes, an even then that’s not the best option when you’re ill

You can always tell by looking into someones eyes, if you see genuine kindness looking back, if they listen an don’t check the time, if they don’t interrupt, if they don’t beat down your feelings with their logical babble, then you may just be in the right place

An tomorrow, I’ll probably not feel this way at all, but that’s the ups an downs of mental illness, you just don’t know