To Hell With Them All

Today I had my appointment with the mental health team, in the letter it said ‘key worker and medical staff’ but it was only the OT lady an some man, I guess he was a key worker an the OT lady was the medical staff, then why not just say that??

It was the same boring routine, sitting in a poky room, with barely any breathing room between me an them, I felt like I was repeating myself, the OT might as well of given him her notes, because I said the exact same thing today as the last time with her

She didn’t speak, just sat there looking like she’d rather still be in bed, an him, he sat there like someone had sucked the life from his body, he came across like he was bored an didn’t really wanna be there

At the end I told them I want no further help from the team, an that I’d rather go it alone, I’m done with them, like the letters say ‘let us know if you can’t make it, an your appointment can be allocated to another patient’ well let them have my time instead, maybe that person will actually find it useful

They asked would I at least see them one more time, I told them no, they can go be as helpful an useful as looking at paint dry with someone else

As my medication was changed to a higher dose, my doctor phoned to make sure I bring in my extra medication I’ll now have, she’s told my mum to take them from me an bring them in with her tomorrow as she has an appointment there, ‘take away the temptation’

In my anger I’m tempted to discharge myself from their surgery, an to not take any medication at all, that’s how much I care, it won’t achieve anything, but I’m done with them, they are the most unhelpful, unprofessional people I’ve ever met

You know its bad when they ask, ‘how do you think we can help you’ how am I meant to know that, maybe I should become a psychiatrist, an then I can diagnose myself, do their job for them, because that’s what they rely on most of the time

I’ll live to regret this, an I’ll probably have to go crawling back for help sooner or later, but I can’t help how I feel, I’m ruled by my emotions lately, an until I calm down from how I feel, I don’t see any way forward, I know I can’t go it alone, an I guess they know I’ll be back anyway

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Just Make It Stop

How many more deep breaths, an effort will it take before i can’t suppress how I feel inside any longer

If someone came to me, an said, here’s a tablet that will end it all, you’ll fall asleep an never wake up… I’d take it, now, does that mean I’m suicidal, no, but I have the thoughts, its the easy way out that’s appealing to me, I just want to escape from life, my life, even just for a while

I hate feeling this way, feeling like my mind is tearing itself apart, this whole medicated, reckless, emotional, fear filled, impulsive life, an how lately I’m filled with frustration an anger, its those head in your hands, screaming for relief moments, almost begging for silence inside

I always seem to be in a bad mood, over silly things that can be laughed at

Things trigger me off easily lately, like today, how my step dad had heated up home made soup that he made, a simple shout upstairs, ‘this soup is warm, if you want any’ etc is all that he’d have to say, but when I went down to make a cup of tea, an saw my mum an step dad eating together, without me, I got annoyed, I admit it, probably because that’s when he decided to mention it to me, then there was the slurping noises, an the spoons tapping off the bowls

There’s only the three of us living here now, it may seem pretty petty, but to me, its selfish, an another example of how, when I’m not around, I don’t seem to exist for people, like now they are away out, I hardly ever get asked would I like to go too, instead I’m home alone, again, wondering why I bother making an effort with these people

I’m not getting into a whole discussion about it, an maybe I’m trying to justify my pettiness, but you’d have to live here to understand it, perhaps I feel excluded, forgotten, I’m only wanted when I’m needed… let’s just leave it at, its not the first time, just one of many

I might like to be own my own, but people know I hate being left alone, because when I’m alone, is when the voices an the illness take over, sometimes I have no control anymore, an it scares me, my emotional state will control me, you’d almost think I had split personalities

Its now time, time to give myself a shake, an go to my doctors, I can’t go on this way anymore, as much as I hate having to go back to them, I have to swallow my pride an get it done

Even though its like an alcoholic, going to AA, then going home an getting drunk, you’re no further forward than you were before

On a lighter note: I just found out, that this is my blogs most popular month, since I started it, almost a year an I half ago, I’m proud of that, although, everyone loves a train wreck don’t they

Going Off The Deep End

Day 。。。Whatever day it is 。。。Of this, I don’t know, mini freak out/breakdown

I’m reaching the end of my rope, I really am, I was so close to phoning life line 。。。Then I thought, why? 。。。anyone in the mental health team only makes me even more frustrated when dealing with them, they can talk, yeah, perhaps sign you in somewhere for help, but I’m always deemed mentally stable enough when I’ve been reviewed, an then let go

What also annoys me is, they have my aunts phone number, as a back up, so they always phone her, an I’d rather ‘go quietly’ if I had to, than others being brought into the loop of, well loopy!

So short of actually killing myself, or trying to, I know I’m on my own, though i haven’t reached out to anyone for quite a while, I’m afraid of becoming the, ‘oh its him again’ boy, I’d rather them want to help me, than feel obligated to

I tried to go out today, just to the shop, just to get out, I’m dying being inside, the four walls of my room feel like a prison, a place where the voices, fear, frustration, anger, paranoia an thoughts of self harm can fester away inside me

It was one of the most uncomfortable days ever, I was scared, an anxious, I felt trapped an alone, the voices only strengthened my fear, by feeding me unhelpful thoughts, an I had no where to hide, I had to ride it out in panic until I got back home again

I don’t like being alone, but at the same time, I can’t stand to be around anyone right now, everything they say, an everything they do irritates me, so maybe its better, for now, that i’m feeling how I am, I stay to myself, stay in control , where no one can see, an nothing can trigger me any further into this strange spiral

I wish I could just cry, you might ask, why would you want to cry, well for me, its like a release of everything that builds up inside, but unless I open myself up an allow everything to flow free, I can’t, an its a dangerous place to let the mind go to

I’d love to know what’s happening to me, its like my mind has become stronger than me, an I can’t control what’s happening, I’ve tried, I’m doing what I feel is best, but for how much longer can I keep it up

I have a personal trainer booked for next week, a little more exercise might help me feel a lot better 。。。Or so I’m told, we’ll see 。。。

Police, An The Watchful Eye Of A&E Staff

I left my aunts house tonight, inside I knew I’d never be seen again, but something happened, like for a moment I saw sense, I was afraid, an for my own safety I handed myself into the police station

I just couldn’t take anymore of life, an I suddenly cracked

I was then taken by ambulance to hospital, I’ve just been in an ‘out of it’ daze so I’m not really aware of what’s going on yet, i just feel… Numb

So here I am sitting in A&E, every time I go for a smoke, they think I’m going to run off, an I’m getting kinda pissed off, they keep asking me to come inside, I can’t help but give them attitude

I refused the routine tests, I just didn’t want to be touched by anyone

Now I’m stuck here listening to the cries of the poorly, mostly injured drunk people, while I wait in the cue to be seen by the doctor, what will happen I don’t know, I’m tired an just wanna go to bed, i’m regretting my cry for help now

They mentioned maybe staying over night which will not be happening, i feel like I’m literally breathing in death an I feel really sick

I got a glance at my report ‘high risk of self harm’ …

Where will I be after a few hours, an how will I get home, also, how will I explain all this to my family, i’ll update as time passes…. Not much I can do now but wait

Help Me.. The Unspoken Words

~ Help me… Those are the words that just want to escape my lips, what I really want to say ~

‘Hiding in the open’ is what this post was going to be called, as i felt so helpless today, like being in a room full of people but somehow nobody knows you are there, maybe as i’ve been really quiet, its like an inner anger forbids my words

Around everyone I feel so exposed, so insecure, so unsafe, unstable an fragile, i suddenly started to panic, fear set in an I felt afraid, afraid of myself

I rang the doctor, an managed to get an appointment, sitting in the waiting room the floor was like quicksand, which was a little unsettling, my mind was racing, “here I am again”.. “what do I say”.. “what am I even doing here”.. “you need help”

I felt like a fool sitting there again, asking for help again, I told him how I felt, to which he told me, not in so many words, that he’s come to an end as to know what to do with me anymore

I told him how I know people feel uncomfortable when I talk about how I feel, an how everyone seems to leave when I tell them, to which he said “you mean like everyone sees it as a never ending record” not before he had laughed in my face, I didn’t think it was funny at all

I could feel the emotion welling up inside me, the hurt, a sort of anger, I just wanted to get out, to get away from him, from everyone

I asked for diazepam, to get me though to my appointment with the mental health team on feb 2nd, which he gave me, of course yet again, two days at a time, an under my mums supervision, all for my own safety, which it never ends up being, as my mum doesn’t take that part serious, an just gives them to me

I might phone the crisis line, to get some advice on what to do, I have ten days until my appointment with the mental health team, ten days perhaps of freedom, where I’ll be after that, I don’t know, it all rests on that for me now

Swallowed By The Darkness

What the hell is happening to me…

My head is totally messed up, I’d love to believe its the diazepam messing with my brain, I’m so frustrated an feel like I’m crawling the walls inside my own mind

I’m scared, I’m tempted to phone the crisis team, not to be taken to hospital, but perhaps for a doctor to leave me out some sort of medication to give me some relief

I’m so emotional, so angry that this is beating me, angry for not trying hard enough to fight back, angry that I don’t have the will or the energy

No one knows what to do or say to help me, its not their fault, there isn’t anything they can say, its too powerful this time

I’ve allowed it to fester inside me, an now its to strong an taking control

I’m cross at my doctor refusing to give me diazepam back when it was only beginning, not now when its to late for that, it should be used as a prevention an not a cure!

Its times like this that the mania takes over an I start to get all these crazy ideas, things I would never do

the psychosis begins to amp up, an give more strength to the voices

I feel so helpless, such a failure

I know its just the illness talking, I keep blaming myself, but I can’t help it, I have to remember, its not my fault

How selfish am I, my god mother an other people, dying of cancer, an me, wanting to die, when I should be grateful

My uncle runs an owns his own church, he wants me in for prayer, I feel this evil inside me, my doctor told me not to buy to much into the whole thing, but i need help and fast!

Chaotic

So I went to see the doctor today, I was slightly nervous, but my tablets helped, that an tons of caffeine, I find it amps up the ‘high’ I get from them, which I know is bad, but I need it right now, an its better than doing something illegal

It was awkward at first, I’m so used to putting on a front to the world its become a part of my personality, so i knew it would take me letting my guard down, an going to the ‘dark place’ if I was going to get anywhere

Inevitably I broke down, an everything came pouring out, I could tell the doctor was getting uncomfortable, which didn’t help

At one point he asked was I searching the internet for sites on suicide, (I let slip that I knew an overdose doesn’t usually kill someone) I paused, thinking whether to say no or be honest, that was sort of a give away

He ended up bringing my mum in, telling her to get rid of all tablets, an to control the ones I have, of which he upped my dose, an gave me some diazepam for over the weekend, he wants me to go for a review with the mental health team asap, an come back in to him on monday for a follow up

He thinks I’m just completely stressed out, warned that I’m about to burn out, an that I’m emotionally unstable, some sort of emotionally unstable personality disorder

I left it with him, that I’ll give it to monday to see how I want to move forward, so what will be will be…

An time will tell…

~ thank you for your lovely comments, I don’t feel so alone in this knowing you’re there, an that I have your support, It helps a lot ❤ ~