A Losing Battle

I went for my assessment yesterday, an I came away wondering how it went, because I couldn’t really call it…

At first I didn’t even know about the appointment, the letter I got said I had to phone in an arrange one, though I left it a while, I finally did, they had already arranged one, which of course was yesterday, so lucky I did call or how would I have known

it was a women, agnes, I don’t usually give names, but I don’t see the harm this time, I told her how I was feeling, an what I’m going through lately, plus answered the usual questions they ask about your appetite, sleep pattern, do you drink or take drugs etc…

That aside, ahead is basically what the appointment, and the aftermath boiled down to

I told her I hadn’t been taking my tablets lately, the ones for depression and anxiety, though I’m still taking my seroquel, that I’d been saving them for what I call ‘my back door, my way out’, that speaks for itself, she said that’s probably to blame for how I’m feeling, though I’ve felt this way for months, an let’s not forget I’ve been taking them for years

Its like she had a psychology hand book in her head, flicking through the pages to find the next thing to say, she got ahead of herself an me, before I had even gotten there

Maybe if she had let me talk, instead of cutting me off all the time, she would have formed a bigger picture, besides coming to her own conclusions

She said she’d have my tablets taken off me, that they were expensive, an she did, I got a call from my doctor today, telling me that I’d no longer receive the ones for depression, the doctor was told I hadn’t been taking them for months, when really its only been one month, he said I had to hand the ones I had over to the pharmacy, I didn’t say I would, and I’m not going to either

I put myself in this situation, yes, but why argue the point of medication, to them have them taken from me all together, two wrongs don’t make a right

In a way I think, although I was being honest, I was testing her, she may have studied in psychology, but I’m always two steps ahead, after all, we only tell people as much as we want them to know, besides, I still have my seroquel, I guess you see now where it leads

Someone has tablets, with the intent of abusing them, so you remove that tablet, yet still give that person another set of medication, which are a lot stronger than the ones taken from them, this is exactly the point I’ve been making about the people I see for help

I’m not worried, my doctors I’ve come to learn are fools, I don’t mean in a gullible way, they just concentrate to much on an end goal, I know all I’d have to do is make an appointment with doctor H, say I had a moment of weakness, an I’m sorry, I need the medication, an promise not to do it again, an I’ll have them returned to me

Maybe It all seems immature and pathetic, but sometimes these people drive me insane, during my appointment with agnes, its like what I said meant nothing, she started offering me anxiety meetings, and saying how in the past I’d mentioned I might like to go to this day centre for people like me, which is ok, but I was ready then, I was in a better place, I’m not in that state of mind anymore, though I’d like to be

Then she started on this new age nonsense ‘you need to believe to achieve’.. I think she thought that was some gem, a pearl of wisdom, because then she started making the same point in different ways, with that slogan being the main one, then she went on to demonstrate how she had applied that logic to her own life, how she’d been on a diet, an wanted to start going walking, an how she made herself get out there an do it, it made me a little angry

She went on and on, ‘only you can do it, you just have to take the first step, its fifty percent tablets, fifty percent you etc, I told her that, that wasn’t really something she should be saying to a suicidal person

If it is fifty percent tablets/fifty percent me, then I guess that makes her, and others like her pretty pointless

I just sat there listening to her ramble on for what seemed like forever, all the while trying hard not to roll my eyes, (this must be how they feel listening to us) she wondered why I wanted help, if I was refusing her offers, but didn’t she think, maybe I just wanted to talk, to simply talk to someone, a little patience maybe guidance, no she didn’t, an that’s what’s wrong with people like her

She was right that I need more structure and routine, but she assumed that I never have, that this along with not taking my medication, is what brought about my resulting state of mind, but as I’ve explained, this is not the case, though its true that this hasn’t helped

There is no secret cure, its about taking little steps, that hopefully one day lead to bigger ones, an I’ve realised I can’t do that alone, so that’s why I ask for help, I don’t want to have to do her job for her, but maybe I should have told her that

You can’t jump past the finish line at the start of the race, you can’t finish before you’ve started

I see her again in two weeks, I feel a little insulted if I’m honest though, I know she’s only a counsellor, who by trade are masters in ‘talk therapy’ an they sure do, talk that is, but I wanted to see a psychiatrist, I don’t want someone who has to report back to someone else, I want to see the person who is reported too, someone who actually has the power to make change, which as you probably know, counsellors don’t really have, I’m not ungrateful, just disappointed

Its like a losing battle you’ll never win, bad mental health workers are like programmed robots, they all say, an tell you the same things you’ve heard a million times

At the end of the day, some will agree with me, others won’t, this is only my point of view, right or wrong


Hallucinations And Whispers

Hey, checking in with a quick update…

I’ve been doing a bit of soul searching, looking within myself, mainly because I’ve been pushed to a point where I’m becoming more an more unstable

I’ve been quite paranoid over the last while, questioning everyone around me, convinced people are out to get me, an making plans behind my back, my doctors and even my family

My doctors never take me seriously, they’d rather pin stupid labels on me like ‘historian’, they take away the things that actually help me, they beat down everything I say, I actually have panic attacks now before every appointment, and become suicidal afterwards, but its like they know, because of my social phobia I won’t leave that surgery, I think they have become bored with me, and can’t wait to see the back of me

My family seem to ignore me lately, there’s this strange atmosphere between mum an I, probably because there’s people whispering, I told my aunt that I’m going to look for my own place to live, because I hate it here now

During the day, my step-dad is at work, mum an I hardly talk, we are in separate rooms all the time, mum an my step-dad go out most evenings an I’m home alone a lot, I might as well not be here, we live together, but live separate lives under the same roof, its them, and me, perhaps if I wasn’t here, I’d be appreciated more, I’m 28 now, so either way its time

If I hadn’t grown up in foster-care, I would have been gone long ago, I just wanted to make up for lost time, but I’ve come to realise, an have known for some time now that my family are so selfish and self absorbed, I’m dying here, with them, each day that passes, I become more angry, more bitter and resentful

If I’m honest, I’m hurt, hurt that I’m always left behind, forgotten, that I don’t really have anyone now, its just me, though in a way it always has been, I let my guard down, an I got hurt, usually I just switch off my emotions, become numb, or I hold on to my anger, because it keeps me strong

When its just me, it doesn’t help when, as I told you, I’ve been hallucinating more lately, though my doctor said they weren’t hallucinations, so I’ll call them visual disturbances

I’ve had them in the past, but they went away, back then I’d see ghosts, at times I’d see a victorian maid, and I’d seen four shadows in cloaks running through my room, the scariest was an old woman’s spirit, crawling up the stairs after me, they make you jump, but then after a while they become so normal

Lately it started with things like my cat smiling at me with the mouth of a piranha, then the man staring at me over the fence, I’ll see things on shelves that aren’t there, or spiders crawling toward me, sometimes I’ll hear whispers, people calling my name, it can be scary when you can’t tell if something is real or just a vision anymore

I’ve been breaking down a lot more lately, I know myself I’m beginning to lose my grip on reality, an its turning me into someone I don’t recognise anymore, as disturbing as it is, I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, an I see my face, but its not me looking back

I have an appointment with my mental health team tomorrow, so hopefully some good will come from it!

Pushed Toward A Breakdown

There was a time a few months ago when I’d go to see my doctor up to three times a week, I felt like I wasn’t getting the help I needed, so I stopped going, I haven’t really been going out very much over the last few months, an things are starting to weight me down, it has come to the point where I can’t go it alone anymore, so I made a doctors appointment, which was today

I’ve been seeing Dr H for a long time, because last time I saw Dr C, who was my regular doctor for years, accused me of trying to blackmail her for diazepam, which I explained in a past post, since that day I never went back to her

As I said, I saw him today, I explained that I’m going through a hard time right now, an that I’m finding it harder to cope alone, that my hallucinations are become more regular, how I haven’t been going out very often, about how I’m not really sleeping, also lately I’m being given a generic form of seroquel, that they weren’t helping, and wanted them changed back again

He got on the phone to the pharmacy, where they started talking about how the good brand, seroquel, an the generic brand, for now are the same price, but that the better brand will become more expensive over time, an would work out about two pound a box or something, I started getting emotional listening to them, because is that what my well-being is worth to them, two pound

I’m emotional lately anyway, so it doesn’t take much to set me off

I explained my hallucinations, like for instance, I looked at my cat, an she smiled back at me with the mouth of a piranha, the razor sharp teeth, how even this morning, I was making tea, I looked out the window, an there was a man behind the fence staring in at me, when I gasped an jumped as you do, it was merely a tree

Everything I said, he’d beat me down, like how cats mouths are like that anyway.. Huh?? Even if that were the case, her mouth was closed at the time, an how the tree could have looked like a person, even though the tree is about as thick as someones thigh, an the man clearly had a face, a head, and shoulders, he said they weren’t hallucinations, so I guess they were visual disturbances?

He said I needed to get out more, a hobby, a course etc, which is true yes, he just wouldn’t understand what I was saying, if it was that easy I’d be out, having a life, I also reminded him about my social phobia, he said if I was around people I would be more confident, he clearly doesn’t understand how it affects me, I wouldn’t have a phobia, again if it was that easy

If what he told me was that simple, it’d be the ‘secret cure’ an there wouldn’t be such a thing as mental illness

Then he asked was I in a relationship, and would that perhaps be something I should look into, really… It was so frustrating, he did change my medication, and also referred me back to the mental health team, though not before asking would I actually go this time, as I’d missed past appointments

At that time I had given up on getting help, because it wasn’t getting me anywhere, its like the people I see have this set plan in mind to make the world a better place for people like us, it may have worked for one person an now they push it on all of us, our words fall on deaf ears, and are replaced by their ‘training’ instead of insight and compassion

I’m not a doctor or trained in psychology, but wouldn’t the best thing be, to get to a place where you’re more stable and in control before trying to build a life, and start a relationship, at this time those things would only be like a gloss, I don’t want to live that way, I have for so long up till now, I’m tired of acting, the fake smiles and pretending life is ok to the outside world

I left having to take deep breaths and swallow hard to fight back the tears, I’m going to set pride aside, and see Dr C on Tuesday, after that, I’ll make up my mind whether to leave the surgery for good, an try somewhere else, with hopefully a doctor who will really listen to me, maybe not fully understand me, just give me time to talk, I don’t want sympathy, I just want a little help

I don’t like the way I was left feeling, my mind goes into a state of chaos where the crazy thoughts come into my mind an I have to stay in control in case I do something I might later regret, its a deep breath moment, a few tears perhaps, an move on, until next time

I will end by saying that, I know you need to take the help, to be helped, an perhaps Dr H really thought he was helping in his own strange way, he wasn’t, but we can’t know everything I guess, even doctors

I won’t allow them to make me give up on getting better, I have faith there will be a break through someday

Blood In The Water

Saturday started like most days, quiet, and yet another day spent inside, my older brother was phoning back and forward, as you know he recently had a child with his current girlfriend

As you also know, social services got involved, and to stand a chance to stay in the child’s life, and eventually be a family, his girlfriend moved back home with her parents

The child’s christening was the next day, which was sunday, and all along my older brother had said he wasn’t going to attend, his girlfriends parents have become overly involved, and together they decided that the child would be christened catholic, where as my brother wanted the child to be inter-graded as he is protestant, and also other things like them deciding not to give the child my brothers last name

So as I said, my older brother was phoning my mum, to ask her to come to the christening, even though he appeared to be undecided himself

As time past, we learned that my brother had started to drink, the day before the christening, he also drank the day before my birthday, which was only on the 25th of february, but this post isn’t really about me this time, I can cover that in another post

After a while had past, my mum had come to the decision that she wouldn’t attend, in my brothers last phone call, he gave my mum some abuse, claiming my mum had let him and his son down, finally wishing her dead before he hung up

In that call, he was also asking if our step-dad would give him a lift out of town to get drugs, not being the first time, an my step dad not wanting to, because my brother when drunk is uncontrollable, shouting out the window and flashing the lights at other drivers etc, and generally not wanting to be a part of the whole thing

Not taking no for an answer, as my step-dad is known to be a bit of a push over, my brother said he would come to our house an ask our step-dad himself, so anyway, that’s how it was left, after a while we got a call from my aunt, saying that my brother was on his way to our house, and that if he didn’t get it, that he’d put the windows in

A taxi pulled up to our house shortly after that, an right enough there was my brother at the window asking to be let in, once inside things took a dramatic turn for the worst

We were all in the kitchen, with my mum an brother having words, my brother started squaring up to my mum, an gritting his teeth as he always does when angry, an threatening to hit her, mum showed no fear an told him to go ahead

As I said, him an my mum were having words, I think he then grabbed our mum, an my mum gave him a slap across the face, all of a sudden my brother threw the beer tin he was holding at the wall, the beer splashing all over the place

My mum was calling him names, she picked up the tin and hit him across the face with it, he was being disrespectful, an that was disrespect to our home

Its kind of hazy in my mind, but my brothers temper was quickly building, still having words, my brother again grabbed my mum, I stepped in at this point to push my brother back, telling him to leave our mum alone, he then said if I got involved he’d beat me an our mum, which I know he could easily do, I’m not a fighter, an he’s way stronger

Things picked up with them sort of in a hold lock, my brother had hold of our mums hair, my step-dad was now in the middle of it trying to separate them, my step dad has had to hit my brother in the past when my brother an mum have fought before

I was surprised that this time my step dad wouldn’t do anything, this time I think he was afraid, my brother also threatening him to stay out of it, giving him the same threat he gave me

It was so overwhelming, I stood there suddenly froze to the spot, the anger an fear in every ones voices, the emotion building up inside me, until I couldn’t handle it anymore, I broke down an left the room

A short while past, I was in my room at this point, an I heard my step-dad calling me to bring down some tissue for my mum, I thought to wipe her tears, as she had been crying, but as I entered the kitchen, there stood my mum, her nose bleeding, this was enough to stop the whole fight

My brother said he had said sorry, an went to hug our mum, whatever way she moved her head, she had struck his elbow, but my mum insisted that my brother had punched her, my step-dad took the tissue and started to help our mum, I noticed some blood over a couple of the joining walls, the whole sight was so shocking

My brother now sat at the kitchen table, he was twisting, he had thrown accusations around that evening, like how my mum had supposedly admitted to him that she had once cheated on our step-dad, in the past he said the same thing about our step-dad

Throwing it in her face about my younger brother an I being in care, how our grand parents never loved her, an that my aunt had been a better mum to him than she ever was, even saying that a past boyfriend of my mums had raped him, though the story changed a few times, to finally the man just showing him his penis, the fact he’d never mentioned it before now, I doubt it being true, it was just his evil way of trying to hurt her

At one point, he tried to say that I had told him I hated living here, to which I said yes I had said that, but not the way he was trying to twist it, an that I had never said anything about my mum or step-dad, my mum already knew this, I tell her all the time I hate this house, he was just trying to find things to hurt her

My mum standing there tissue in hand holding her nose, saying she hated him, him trying to apologise, asking if she really did hate him, an asking her to say she didn’t mean it, he sat back down again, an started to cry a really disturbing sort of cry, my step-dad now cleaning the mess, I guess his way of coping in that moment

I felt so detached from what was going on around me, I couldn’t really handle it, I hugged my mum an said sorry that I couldn’t have done more, I felt so powerless in the whole thing

Mum finally said she wanted him out, he had refused to leave many times, an also that she never wanted him back again, in a mood he finally left, not before throwing his chair to the floor

After a while, we had sort of settled down, me walking around in now beer soaked socks an feeling sick, we got a phone call from my brother, he wanted to say sorry, but my mum wouldn’t take the phone, so I was a go between

He said he had cut his wrists an was dying, my aunt said that he had cut himself an was bleeding pretty bad, I told them that after what he had done, that cutting himself wasn’t the answer, if anything it made things worse, an wasn’t fair on our mum

Later we learned that it wasn’t his wrists, but his arm, he wouldn’t go to hospital in case it got back to social services, but he’s fine

My brother did attend the christening the next day, with his girlfriends dad saying he was never so embarrassed in his life, as my brother was a little late an held the whole thing up, he had called my mum crying, an saying he would never be near his girlfriends parents again, I guess that’s what they wanted all along, to push him out

Him an mum talked, she said she’d need time, but mostly it looked like it was over an in the past, mum an I went to our aunts yesterday, where as you know he lives, he was in bed sick, but mum an him talked again, an she helped to redress his wounds, pretty much it was put to rest in a way

The whole thing was just another crazy night in my families ever changing chaos, for now it seems peaceful again, but for how long, who knows

Sometimes, Love Is Not Enough

There comes a point, or many, when you look at your life, and think huh? Where am I, where am I going, what the hell am I doing!

I sat with my mum for a while yesterday, just passing a minute, she was talking to me about a lot of things, but her voice just drifted off into the distance, as I suddenly realised how bored with everything I was, and how much I didn’t care what she was saying

I suddenly had flashes of the movie ‘titanic’ that part where rose is sitting with her mum, they’re talking about her wedding as she watches a young girl being corrected at another table by her mother, at that moment, she realises that its not the life she wants anymore

Mum was getting ready to go to hospital with my step dad, as his brother has taken a bad turn, so they are going to visit him, as I left the room and walked back upstairs to my bedroom, I felt this horrible feeling flow over me, like a darkness, sadness, loneliness, perhaps its selfish, but all I could think in that moment, was how I’d be left home alone again, i’m a prisoner in my own life

I can, and do go into town by myself, but I’m constantly on guard, my heart beating fast an my nerves making me feel on edge from my social phobia, the fear of what might happen, what could happen, it makes me feel so apart from the real world, because I can’t function as a regular person

While two versions of life play out in my head, and living the lesser version, I’m beginning to really bank on my claim paying off, an being able to fulfil the things I want to do, to better my life

As you know my birthday is tuesday next week, I’ll be 28, I have no idea what to do yet, I have such a struggle going on inside, I can’t think too far ahead right now, this was meant to be ‘my year’ finally I’d turn things around in this disaster of a life, its still early, but so far its a bust, i do want to change, even if my family don’t, I don’t think they will

This is a two part post, so below is part two

Sometimes, Love Is Not Enough #2

My brothers drank again over the weekend, my older brother broke a bone in his hand, he doesn’t even know how, so now he’s in a cast, another ‘war wound’ from his drunken stupidity, the are too similar, and live a life that doesn’t interest me

Mum and I, I know have this strange tug of war thing, where we both know we are right, usually, not boasting, I am, I’ll go downstairs, try an talk to her, but half the time she doesn’t listen, she’s always complaining about some pain in her leg, which I’m bored of, she had it checked an its fine

She doesn’t work now, but really pisses me of with being such a martyr, she cleans the house everyday, but makes it sound like a full time job, what else is she doing, she stays home everyday, an also I shouldn’t judge, but these ‘mental problems’ she has now don’t make sense to me, I know you can become mentally Ill anytime, but it only formed in her forties, and the fact its so similar to mine annoys me

My step dad an I don’t really talk, its awkward silences, and him leaving the room when I come in, which I don’t mind, he’s the type who thinks he knows more than he does

Then there’s my aunt, who if I’m honest is very immature, we used to be close, but I’m not in that place now, perhaps when I was a little younger than now, because we were on the same wave length, but now I’m older, an she’s stayed the same, I don’t feel as close, she’s someone you can’t talk to, because although she’s almost 40, you’d think she was younger than me

My uncle is always just trying to get me to come to his church, which he owns, he thinks he’s better than us because he owns his own business an makes a lot of money, he likes me best, because he sees a lot of potential in me, an thinks I could do an be something great, its nice I guess, but he doesn’t know or understand my illness, we aren’t that close

This is my typical life, you’d think I’d be used to it, but it becomes old, fast

Soul Searching

I cried last night for the first time in a long time, my emotions an inner truths just swirled up inside, tears were the only escape from how I was feeling in that moment, its strange because, I haven’t cried in so long, the way your face twists an shapes with the hurt felt unusual to me, unnatural in a way

I’ve been feeling a lot lately, I guess its because I’ve been sort of weaning myself off of my medication, an its so strange how much I actually am feeling again, with medication you still feel, but its not in a normal way, emotions are more real, raw now

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching this year already, and most of what I see, I don’t like, what hurts most is how I push people away, how many possible relationships I’ve ruined with how I am sometimes, the anger I hold inside, how I keep score against people, how I go over and over things in my head that aren’t even that important, really though how truly lonely I feel

Other people are mainly the reason, family for one, new people coming into my life another, I’m just fragile, i think my court case is playing on my mind also, as I told you, it was due in court on tuesday, but the psychiatrist working the side of social services got taken into hospital for surgery, so court was cancelled, I wasn’t happy as you can imagine, just my luck right?

Though my solicitor believes they will settle out of court now, most of the money we were hoping for has to be dropped, for many different factors, so the number now is around fifteen thousand or slightly higher, which if I’m honest, after ten years, an everything I’ve went an been through, is a bit of a slap in the face, I just want it all over with now, I’ve had enough of the whole thing hanging above my head for years, an not being able to fully move on

I’ve been having a real bad run of luck lately, at points you just say to yourself, what have I done, what do I have to do to catch a break!

On a lighter note, my birthday is on the 25th, I’ll be 28, I have no plans at all yet, but why should I let life drag me down, whatever I do, I’ll make sure I have a fun day, an just leave everything behind and buried, for one day at least

Eye Of The Storm

My head is all over the place lately, so I apologise if this post isn’t written very well, but I’ll try my best

Lately my family life has been a mess, (how many times have I started a post with that or similar I wonder) as you know, my older brothers girlfriend went back to live at home with their son, as social services are involved, and made that decision for them

My family are angry, because her parents are too involved, and pushy, (my brother isn’t allowed to be alone with her and the baby, as its under a protection order, and although my brother is allowed to visit everyday, her parents, or another family member have to supervise the visits) I guess her parents think they are helping, but really they need to back off a bit, they even want the baby to have their last name and not my brothers, my brothers girlfriend (Miss A) says she’s done nothing but cry

Instead of stepping up, and trying to be a dad, an suffering for a while until things get better, its like he’s given up already, he’s done nothing but give his girlfriend abuse over the phone (I’ve heard him saying the most horrible things) and get drunk, the child isn’t even a week old, and he’s drank three times already, from last night right through till today being one of those times, he’s using all this as an excuse

I’ve stayed away, I haven’t touched alcohol in a while (christmas day) but of course I’ve heard everything that’s happened

The last day they were drinking, which was on thursday, they left my aunts house (as you know my brothers live with her) a mess, Mr G and his girlfriend Miss T were there again, among others, as usual fights broke out between everyone, (I saw Mr G’s face the next day and it was all bruised, along with the mess they left behind)

My aunt had stepped in at one point to break up one of the fights, in the midst of it, her top and bra got torn, and didn’t even realise that one of her breasts were hanging out, things were broken also, I feel so sorry for my aunt, she’s powerless in her own home

The police landed to my aunts to do a police check, my younger brother was arrested after failing a sobriety test, and now is out on bail, and has yet again an ankle tag and a curfew

Miss T was also arrested for assaulting a couple of the officers, and for throwing a dog bone at the police car (my aunt has dogs, in case you wondered) even though Mr G threw it

I know they were also taking that horse tranquilliser drug, so you can image how crazy it must have been, I’ve never taken it, and never would either

I haven’t heard the details about last night yet, but my younger brother landed here today, still drunk, crying and telling our mum he loves her, which he does every time, my step dad gave him a lift home so we could be rid of him

This post is almost a ‘Wistfully Dreaming’ 2.0, because its so similar

Me, since you last heard, I’ve just been very emotional, as usual you say… I’ve lost a friend in my brothers girlfriend, although we can still see each other, it won’t be the same anymore, I wouldn’t feel right either, if I was allowed to visit her and get more rights than my brother

I’ve also, (and strangely) found myself in a strange relationship type scenario again, and I’m juggling a bunch of emotions there, I guess I’m not the ‘dating’ type, it just sends me into a state of emotional stress and inner turmoil of insecurities, its early days, I’m just confused as to what I really want to happen

My solicitor phoned and asked to see me, I thought perhaps social services had made an offer, but no, it was about a report from years ago, its from an expert (which basically says I don’t have a case) its a report my solicitor has been keeping quiet, because social services would love to get their hands on it, it would ruin my case, although my solicitor will have to hand it over eventually

The good news is, is that social services got an expert to look at their own case, and even he says they were in the wrong, and were negligent, that’s from their own expert, so if it goes to court, it will be up to the judge to decide

I’m secretly hoping I’ll get an offer first though, if I do, I’ve been told I have to pay for that report I just mentioned, it hasn’t been paid for yet, so that will be two and a half thousand out of any money I get, if I fail, legal aid will pay for it though

Still, nice bomb to drop on me right?

I’m just stressed out, its an emotional time for me right now, an with this five day court case starting on the 11th its just another unwanted stress

With everything going on, it feels like being stuck in the middle of a storm, with no where to run