The Looming Shadow Of ESA #2

does good news ever come in a brown envelope.. Not for me

so once again the medical form comes, and the dread sets in, they give you about two weeks to have the form returned, but every time i tried to start my mind wouldnt let me, so with time running out, an about 3 days left before it was due back i forced myself to sit down an get it done, i didnt really have a choice

if you give enough information, you dont have to face an assessment, which i guess this time i didn’t..

Then the phone call comes, an i knew it was to arrange the assessment because if they dont need you to go to one you hear nothing until you recieve a letter telling you about what you’ve been awarded

there are two groups you can qualify for, the work group, which i guess they pay you while you look for a job or go to meetings etc an then theres the support group, which means you dont an also you get awarded more money.. That in itself induces so much anxiety, because you’re being judged on wether you are ill enough, an in a way its kind of humiliating..

So i get the call.. An im not feeling great, 3 nerves were dying in my teeth at the same time which had caused an abscess, i later found this out at the dentists.. i looked like a hamster or something, an was in a lot of pain, thats all been sorted now, thank god.. But i didnt have time for this women who  started of sweet but you could tell secretly was a bitch

i tried to ask for a home visit, because thats what i had, an you can have with pip, or personal independent payment.. She said no, you can only quailfy for that if you’re a house bound person, which includes not even being able to go to a doctors appointment, which i can.. Which again is unfair, mental illness i feel is not taken as seriously as it should be, she said i could get a letter from my doctor, but if you read my posts you’ll know why i havent been seeing my doctor.. So they arrange the appointment, which of course is never nearby, an it changes towns everytime.. This time mine was in a town thats an hour an a half away by bus, an because my stepdad works i had no choice

if you know me, you know i have terrible anxiety an social phobia, i dont like being around strangers, or open spaces, an when my anxiety levels become out of control i can have episodes of depersonalisation

in the lead up to the day, i was having panic attacks, i felt sick an couldnt sleep.. An dealing with my stupid teeth, which was that bad they had to lance my gums to remove the puss etc.. I know gross.. But anyway

Stupid me decides to buy vodka, i did this the last time too, but thought i could control myself if i took less this time around.. Again not to get drunk just a bit to dull everything around me, because having a false sense of confidence is not a good idea in an assessment, so I’m on the bus, my aunt went with me, because i couldnt face it alone.. I felt fine.. Too fine an thats when i panic.. I had some diazepam in my pocket, because sometimes my younger brother gives me some for when im having a bad day.. My doctor is against them because they say they are addictive, never mind the fact i dont use them unless i need them an they sit in my room for weeks, but they wouldnt believe that if i told them

so i take four, an everythings fine the whole journey, but mixing them with alcohol was a bad idea, because i kept passing out, later i found out i had actually taken another three, which i dont remember doing, its like time was skipping an id be in places without knowing how i got there.. My aunt said i was staggering an slurring my words, but i felt like i was in a dream.. Everything was happening around me but its like i was watching from the outside looking in

the first thing the woman asked at the assessment was, have you been drinking, to which i said no, i was ashamed, but said i had taken medication to help me cope with the day, which was half true.. Little did i know at this point i had actually pee’d myself, thanks aunt for telling me after, even though she noticed it before an i hadnt.. I know gross..

I remember the woman asking me a few questions, an me crying, telling her i couldnt cope anymore, i had been bottling everything up for weeks an in that moment it all come flooding out.. next thing i know, two paramedics come in an tell me they are taking me to hospital, i explained i barely took anything, which really i hadnt.. But they started talking about liver failure, so here i am in this twilight haze, hearing this an thinking, what the hell is happening.. The assessment woman had taken my blood pressure before all this.. I was emotional etc i smoke an my diets not great, so if it was high, no wonder

Of course i refuse because i just want to go home, did they think i overdosed? Even though i wasnt showing any sign of it, an never said i took a lot, i guess falling asleep in the waiting room didnt help matters..  did they think i was at risk to my own safety? Or did they just over react.. Before i left they told my aunt i wasnt mentally stable.. So as i said i refuse, to which they say they are going to phone the police.. I say im leaving an they cant stop me, i tell the assessment lady she can fail me if she wants an i get up an leave.. Because if the police had come they would have forced me to go with them against my will

later my aunt phoned the police to tell them i was fine an nothing comes of it, it was a long strange day, for which im to blame, but i also blame the people at esa for forcing me to do things that i thought i needed to do to cope, i hadnt drank much but the mixing of medication and anxiety didnt help, all triggering i believe, some kind of episode.. Because once we left the assessment i was normal again

they do say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over an over again, expecting a different result

now i dont know what will happen, i guess i just have to wait an see

Its Been A While

Its been a whole year since i updated this blog.. An its been a long year! Ive read my last post to see where i left off.. So i’ll try my best to catch you up

so last time we spoke.. I had been struggling back an forward on the keto diet, yes i was seeing great results, but i wasnt happy, i wasnt doing it for the right reasons, i had met this guy.. Online.. An my insecurities took over, the diet eventually, with me it always does, got out of hand, with me keeping a diet book to record what i ate but also filled with abuse directed at myself as motivation, near the end i was making myself throw up after eating an was taking laxatives.. I had even joined a site that promoted anorexia, so it wasnt a healthy place

since all that, the guy an i dont speak, we just ended things, which is weird because we never actually met, an that wont make a lot of sense for some people, it doesnt really make sense to me either if im honest, an I’m an open book on here an people like details, so lets break it down, if anything you can laugh at the fact that your life isnt as pathetic as mine

As you know, im open minded, or pansexual if you need a label, basically its not seeing gender and its about wanting something deeper than just sex etc.. Anyway.. At first i wasnt looking for a relationship, i guess i just signed up to these dating sites out of curiosity, and because of my anxiety an social phobia it made it easier.. i don’t really have a type, but i am drawn to people of different nationalities to my own.. So i eventually saw this indian/asian guy.. Sorry if thats not the right terminology i should use,  we got to talking, an i think thats all i really wanted, someone to talk to, maybe a new friend etc an he was already in a relationship so that was great, no expectations beyond a potential friendship, not another guy looking for naked photos or for nsa, which a lot do

over time i got the feeling that this guy was someone i could see myself having feelings for, an though he lived what would be a four hour trip away, it was still possible.. I think when i first realised it, an it might sound silly, was one day i was texting him when i suddenly got caught in a bad hail storm, an he was worried incase i got hurt, i thought that was really sweet.. Over time he became single again.. An we started talking about the possibility of us meeting up.. By now we both liked each other i guess

The plan was for me to travel there, an maybe stay for a couple of days, which would be hard for me, but i was willing to, because we had this connection that for me is rare.. but i knew i had to be realistic, ive been hurt before an didnt wanna risk being so again, an we hadnt even met yet, so one day i suggested we meet half way, an spend the day together, which to me is fair.. But he didnt like that, an got angry at me for even suggesting it, like i had betrayed him in some way, which should have been a red flag, but at the time i felt like it was my fault because it was my idea, an idea that came from my own fears

we eventually made up, an as you know he moved to england, so now that would involve me having to get a boat! To see someone for the first time.. Even though i hadnt admitted it to myself, i knew at that point it was over, an with my diet spiralling an my personal life an mental illness etc i wasnt in a good place anyway, but i clung to this fantasy in my head stupidly, because in my deluded mind it was the only good thing in my life.. Even though it wasnt real, i was always the one expected to travel, an to pay for a hotel etc.. He never even offered, an then i was made to feel bad for not making enough effort, an all my truths sounded like excuses.. I Feel like if you really cared for someone, an had formed something real it wouldnt be so easy to move on, which for me it was..

How you can have real feelings for someone you’ve never met i dont know really, i guess sharing your life with someone on a daily basis, over the phone an on social media makes it seem like you have something that you actually dont.. So thats that basically, an since then i havent used any dating site an barely use social media anymore

Moving on.. For a long time now ive cut ties with my doctor and mental health services because all you do is repeat yourself over an over again an you stall… Its like a groundhog day type limbo.. An my doctor makes me feel like a hypochondriac, even the thought of seeing them gives me anxiety, when they are the ones you should be getting help for anxiety from

family drama makes up a big part my life as you know, an ive had people message me saying it helps them to read about mine so here it is..

Its been a few months now, but my mum is almost fully recovered from surgery, the first one as i think i mentioned before was for a hysterectomy, because she was bleeding an had cysts on her ovaries, because she had c-sections with all three of us, parts of her insides are fused together, so they couldn’t remove everything, as a result of that surgery, it caused a blockage in her small bowel an she had to go back to have another operation to have it removed.. An infection set it an burst the staples in her wound, which left it open, an she had to be hooked up to a vac.. Which is a device that drains an helps pull the wound together an heal better, but shes now left with a sort of dip in her abdomen, an has no belly button as a result, for which shes having therapy for because its affected her bad mentally

My older brother is about to enter rehab for the 3rd time, for alcohol abuse an also for abusing muscle relaxants, i hope he tries this time an makes it work.. My younger brother on the other hand continues to be a mess.. He an his girlfriend finally called it quits, im surprised it didnt happen a lot sooner to be honest, now to see his children it has to be at his exes mothers house.. she has also since taken out a molestation order against him.. Horrible name for it but basically its like a restraining order of sorts, after they broke up he showed up at her house drunk an i guess she pretended she wasnt home, but could hear him talking through the door, the creepy part was he was talking to himself but as though there was someone else with him..

Saying he was going to break in, go to her room an strangle her in her sleep, when hes drunk an asks to stay at our house because he has nowhere else to go im glad mum says no, because i have this horrible thought of waking up an him standing over me with a knife, would he, probably not but that thought is always there an it scares me, im pretty sure hes up in court soon for breaching his bail.. As cruel as it sounds, prison is probably not a bad idea for him right now, because the drinking is out of control an he refuses to admit theres a problem, an no matter what he does, in his eyes, hes always the victim

my next post, which i will try to have up soon, will actually be about my drama.. Mostly surrounding my latest assessment for esa benefits.. I know some people like to read about them before having to face one themselves..

Anyway this is just a quick update for now, an i’ll try to post more often

Where to begin

I haven’t written in a while, i’ve been caught up in many different worlds an minds that i kinda got lost…. So this is just a quick update

So where to begin… Well in my last post i wrote about my diet, if you read my blog you’ll know ive struggled with my weight an eating disorders from the age of about 14, i lasted about four months, i was doing keto, an it was going so well, at first i was keeping a diet book, just what id eaten an if i did my workout that day, just like a ten minute exercise thing id came up with

But then the book took a dark turn, i was writing pages of motivation to myself, horrible things, an writing lists of names to call myself before i ate etc i joined a pro ana website, an started watching eating disorder documentaries on youtube everyday to again motivate myself, after a while though i started to slip an treats an real food started to creep into my diet, so i started making myself sick, i was chewing food an spitting it out while also taking laxatives.. Or id starve, that only lasted a few weeks until i just gave up, i just couldnt take it anymore, so about 4 months or about 100 days i lasted, 3 months on an I’ve already gained back 2 stone of the weight, a lot of which would be water weight based on the diet i was doing, ive gone the opposite way now an back to bingeing 

It was a dark moment between obsession an self hatred, making me depressed an suicidal, ive been down that road many times, i just have to except that im never going to have a normal relationship with food

Right now im struggling between dieting an not sticking to it very well

If im honest, which i hadnt mentioned before, yes i was doing it for me an i cant lie it felt great looking at the scale an getting compliments etc but id met this guy online, as i said im open minded, love is were you find it etc 

But i got insecure, an thats mainly why i started the diet, we havent even met yet, so you see where i was coming from…  at first we lived about 4 hours apart, which to be honest for me was pushing it a little, an after last time i said i wouldnt meet someone online again, because we developed feelings first, an then in real life when we met there was no chemistry, for me at least.. So anyway, then he moved to england! Which at that point i should have called it quits, which i kind of did, i tried to be friends, an then maybe meet an see, while in the mean time live our lives, its too complicated for something thats basically only been lived on paper, if you know what i mean

But enough of that, cause at this point we barely speak, an the whole thing is ridiculous, i just never wanted to be someone who settled for what i thought i could get, because i hate myself so much that no one should have to be stuck with me, like im a punishment

its like my younger brother, an his relationship, sometimes you think its better to have someone than no one… 

His girlfriend gave birth to their second child, but they still fall out a lot, but no matter what they always keep getting back together, we all agree that she puts up with so much an after everything my brothers done, i dont see how there could be any love there, but like i said above…..

Hes having scans done now for his liver, because as i mentioned before, he has hepatitis, which he got while taking drugs, using a dirty straw from someone else or something like that, it must of had blood on it.. Hes turned up to his last two appointments where he was going to begin treatment drunk, an so now hes been pushed down the list, i dont think he gets how serious it is, his liver is scarred an hes in the early stages of jaundice, hes been warned while on treatment he cant drink at all for three months, but as i said he couldnt even go to his appointments sober

He doesnt drink while with his girlfriend, but once away from her an out of town either to come visit us or to go to an appointment, he drinks, he even causes fights between them as an excuse to leave so he can drink

My older brother lately has gone off the deep end, drinking everyday, an taking drugs, hes waiting to see about going to rehab shortly but in the mean time he’s moved out of town, hes living in a hostel, hes in an out of hospital for cutting himself, he almost drowned in a pond, he got kicked out of one hostel an spent the night in a sleeping bag in a graveyard! Hes falling an hurting himself, hes getting into fights, hes abusing his body so much the doctors have told him hes in the early stages of dementia, he may not even live past another year an hes only 34

Its like another day another drama

My mum has to go to hospital tomorrow for an mri because the cysts she has on her ovaries are growing, the doctors actually said one has teeth an hair, the blood tests came back clear, an so this mri scan i believe is because, after her c sections years ago, her womb is fused to her bowel, an as shes now headed for a hysterectomy, which in her case will be more complicated, they wanna see what they are dealing with first, and i guess to rule out cancer.. So its scary, all while dealing with the families crazy

I hope all goes well, theres never a dull moment but those moments arent happy ones


Just a little post to update

recently i had an appointment with the mental health team, it again was a social worker, a new one as the woman i had been seeing ramdomly left, personally i get annoyed because social workers arent normally trained in mental illness an they dont hide the fact they have no clue, but as ive requested not to see the psychiatrist, as to me his eyes are just hollow an hes robotic an i dont like him, i get the feeling we feel the same about each other 

But as i dont want to see him, i have to see people that are meant to report back to him, though nothing ever comes from it… Hes leaving soon an there will be a new psychiatrist, so theres light at the end of the tunnel there

This social worker, marcus, however was trained in dealing with anxiety, an i get im a sufferer of it, but thats all he focused on, i guess as thats all he knows, he offered me this six session course on anxiety, which for now ive decided not to go ahead with

I told him id like to do it in conjunction with counselling, to which he told me counselling was a step backwards, in my opinion you have to take a step forward in that respect to then go back which i havent been able to really do, an i think counselling is always beneficial, he starting saying how much it would change my life, an it may have but it was so self indulgent an off putting, dont get me wrong he was a nice man, but dont sell me a dream, if he had of said, it may not even help you, but its worth a try, i may have tried it

I know it sounds silly but i felt like i was being brain washed by a cult leader

I told him a little about my life, my family, how i was feeling, i cried etc i tried my best to be open, told him about the abuse i get sometimes from stangers… He thinks im anxious from past trauma, my childhood etc an that im sad, an that was it really, for now im signed out because im confused, i dont want to waste the mans time an i feel lost, i said id see my doctor first an come up with a plan

I go through days in a daze, to where i feel like someone else, an i dont even know where i am, dreams an memories become blurred, i get confused an have memory loss, im just trying to keep it together but ive had enough, thats what i told marcus, ive had enough, he just smiled an as i cried he left the room to get me info on anxiety, so yeah

Im just tired of the struggle, the physical an mental torment on a daily basis, and the toxic things and people that surround me, not to be morbid but my aunt an i visited my grandas grave recently as it was his memorial, looking around i thought life is so short, an this is how it ends, so sad, we only get one life and this is how im spending it, this, especially my granny, is not the life they would have wanted for me

i punish myself alot because as much as i complain here, i do really try

On a better note im on a diet, ive lost half a stone an ive quit smoking, just a week so far, an i have had the odd cig but i havent bought any myself, im trying at least, ive cleared out my room an got rid of a lot, its a cleansing moment im having 


Just Let Me Breathe

I’m trying to use all the will power i have to just get through the days, life right now is so overwhelming, for some it would be nothing but i cant deal with anything right now

How many times have you asked yourself when will this end

Anything an everything is setting me off, my emotions are very unstable, i almost broke down in a bank appointment yesterday just because the woman was nice to me

I feel like im always tied to my past an my time in foster care, like im not allowed to move on, in the bank yesterday i finally got my address properly changed because it was still under the childrens home address, from 15 years ago! But there was never a real need to change it but now it has been, my claim against social services was settled two years ago, as was my brothers an i felt it was finally over, there was nothing left to tie me to my past 

But my brothers never let me move on or forget, i dont mind talking about it cause for me personally ive moved on, an choose to focus on the positives from that time, but it was my childhood so i cant not talk about it at times

My two brothers are drunk as usual, an they fell out an rang me, my older brother bringing up an old welfare report from like 20 years ago, when either i or my younger brother had told social services that our older brother was trying to kiss us… Wanting to know which one of us said it, how can i remember that far back, i was like 10-11, an why would i want too, regardless of who said it, how could i for example be held responsible for something i said as a child, we were all children

But thats what i get regularly, like my younger brother recently saying he was sexually abused an raped by staff members, its the first i heard of it, an i lived with him at the time, we told each other everything, was he lying for the court case, does he believe his own imagination i dont know, i do know him an the person he was back then

Yes at that time i did tell on my older brother (as you know my older brother got to stay at home) because he was a bully an used to hit us, try to suffocate me with pillows etc when we’d visit mum on a saturday, an i told them how he would physically assault our aunt constantly, his excuse being he thinks our aunt molested him as a child but cant actually remember it happening, of course im going to tell someone, our pasts are messy

They are both at our aunts, the older one got kicked out of his hostel but got into another one today, my younger brother an his girlfriend fell out again an he headbutted her, shes 2 months pregnant…

My mum and aunt were very badly depressed lately, both at the same time, mental illness runs in the family, my mum crying, an my aunt saying she was close to taking her own life, i get that an im sympathetic, i really am because ive been there myself, but i cant be around that, i dont want to keep hearing it, i dont want to deal with it, this family is too toxic and as i said im getting a place of my own, i have to get away for my own sanity

Tonight my brothers came to our house, they brought up the report, which i predicted,  were squaring up to fight each other, calling each other names, then starting on our neighbours, an pee’ing from the back door instead of going to the toilet, mum eventually had enough an threatened to phone the police if they didnt leave, they left, i had my aunt phoning me telling me she was suicidal again, i dont blame her for feeling that way, having to put up with that constantly, we only get a taste of it an it is not good for your state of mind

I want peace, i dread living alone though because i know when drunk my brothers will come banging on my door, or god forbid get into trouble again with the law an need a bail address an want to live with me, but i have to get away from this family i cant breathe, i feel trapped an they are making me ill

Where now? Down the rabbit hole!

Life for me could be changing in a big way soon, by my standards at least

As you know my mum is on the waiting list for a bungalow, an could be offered a new place at anytime, when she does they said i would be given homeless points, which i hope will be enough to get a place of my own, as to be honest its no longer healthy in my mind to still be at home, i am 31 now, but what kept me here were a few reasons, i grew up in foster care, so ive been making up for lost time, i felt safe here, an i never felt ready, through my mental illness an fear of being alone 

But as i said, it feels right, as hard as it may be, i have to start thinking of a future, my future, which i havent allowed myself to do, you know yourself with mental illness like depression etc you can barely think or want to even think of tomorrow, let alone a year from now

Im just so done with life, im not going out as much an im eating none stop, im so tired but when i sleep i have nightmares an racing thoughts, i jump out of my sleep gasping for air, which the doctor says is parasomnia an not sleep apnea, i wake up an i feel almost hungover, my mind has become my biggest bully an my worst enemy

I feel worthless an lost, im paranoid an anxious, self conscious an depressed, im happy one minute an angry the next, i keep fogetting to take my medication so that doesnt help, how can you forget to take a tablet every morning, but then im confused a lot, dizzy, forgetful, im losing periods of time which doesnt help my paranoia

apart from this blog i dont complain an i barely allow people to really know how i feel, i smile i laugh but its hollow

I do talk to mum sometimes, i see the doctor an mental health team, ive had so many tests, physical an blood work, over the last two years, because i have somatic pain due to anxiety an it can mimic any illness, but all tests come back clear, which you would think is a good thing but now i try to avoid the doctors because i feel like im seen as a hypochondriac an not taken seriously 

they keep telling me to go out more, like its a cure, i do try, i was going out every day for a while until as i told you i was badly abused verbally by a group of boys, as you know i also have a form of social phobia, so things like that make graded exposure harder to do, they need to understand as i said im 31, ive been around a while now an ive tried, i havent just given up but i just cant deal with it an why should i if it takes too much out of me

Anyway, i told you my older brother had left rehab to go to independent living in belfast, he had a party in the flat an they kicked him out, he moved home to our aunts again but then decided to go back to belfast an live in a hostel, maybe our aunts was to much of a reminder of his past, i dont know, but then he left the hostel an moved in with a girl he met at rehab, was drinking on an off, spent a night on the streets, being taken to hospital for his own safety cause he was walking out in front of cars, an threatening to kill himself

Now hes back at our aunts as he caught a bad flu or something, all the while buying an taking those nerve damage medication lyrica or something like that…. 

My younger brother was living with us for a while there as he too was drinking an fell out with his girlfriend again, that includes going to belfast to drink with our older brother, why his girlfriend keeps taking him back i dont know, but then she just found out shes pregnant with their second child

This is another reason why i need to move, i cant deal with the stress of being around my family its too toxic, its not my house so i have no say, but our mum is too soft, she can talk a big game but never follows through an they know that

I feel for my mum, but i cant listen to her complain anymore about pain, she has arthritis, an i get the whole pain thing, but i feel she puts her illness above others an its not a competition, i may sound cruel, but she can still do everything like she did before, but now it causes mild to moderate pain, or discomfort, an i understand that, but it adds to the negativity im surrounded by 

she only leaves the house for the doctors or to gamble,my step dad works his main job an two side jobs to make more money which my mum gambles a lot of, though she does always pay him back, eventually, an always gets what we need for the house first, but he always gives in an i feel hes become a passive aggressive ticking timebomb, who in my opinion has become too close to the dog, almost unhealthy so, not in a creepy way, just too much at times  

Like i said before we are the mr men of crazy

Falling Apart… Slowly

I’ve been meaning to write a post for a while, but just couldn’t bring myself to, but after the last few days i had to share how I’m feeling

Im feeling really depressed, an ive just about given up all hope, lately an over the last two years my physical health has become worse than my mental health, every time id go to the doctors, he’d tell me it was due to anxiety, so after a while i felt like i was being seen as a hypochondriac, so i stopped going, and up until last week i hadn’t gone to the doctors for about six months, i felt nervous an paranoid, id make appointments an then cancel them last minute 

All my tests were coming back clear, so what was i to think, to do, every week it seemed like i had a new issue, a new symptom

I finally forced myself to go last week, he did ask do i want tests, to which i said whats the point, cause its all the same things ive had tests for, i did ask for bloods though, and for an inflammation marker test to be added into it cause something is going on, and that test helps with diagnosing Fibromyalgia, its not normal to be in pain an to feel so tired

He said i need to get out more, walk the dog, maybe get a bike or go for a picnic, to get a bit of a spark about me… i have social phobia, which makes it hard for me to be in public an around strangers, im 31 years old now an ive tried really hard to over come it, i just cant, they tell me these things as though it should be easy, an its not, ive been trying graded exposure for years, i have tried my best

Last night i went into town, by myself, and it was dark, you can see how that would be hard, a group of boys came out of a house, i could tell they were drunk, i went into panic mode, but kept going, they were on the other side of the road but i could hear them talking about me, one guy said i lived in his estate, an that i was gay, someone must have said how do you know or something,  cause i could hear him say look at how he walks, i guess saying it behind my back was better than to me but it was still hurtful

Ive never talked about my sexuality on here, because its never been an issue, not really, i hate labels but if i have to be labelled, id say i was open minded, not gay or straight, love is were you find it, thats what i believe, but being labelled is something im used too

When i finally got away from them, got my stuff an headed home, it was dwelling on me an i held back tears, i told myself this is when you either stay strong or fall apart, which is it gonna be, i pulled myself together, told myself it wasn’t as bad as i was making it an i was ok

Just as i crossed the road to turn into near where i lived, two boys came from a neighbouring estate, at first i thought one was saying come here to a friend, but actually he was shouting queer at me, that was ok at first until he started adding the word basterd an then saying i was specky, specky long haired basterd, i laugh now because its so stupid, he could have tried a lot harder an said a lot worse, an all those things are mostly true, although my hair isnt really long, just longer than those army type cuts they all get, the scary part was the anger in his voice, sometimes, as anxious as i am i would shout fuck off or something, but last night i had visions of them running up behind me so i stayed quiet 

It did get me down, i did feel worthless an like doing something silly, but im stronger than i once was, an i wont allow them to scare me, or stop me from going out etc now that ive come so far, ive never been a fighter like my brothers, ive never done anything wrong to anyone, im quiet an keep to myself, but that means little to some people in life

Though i wont be going out at night for a while, i wish the doctor could see all this and understand how hard it is an can be

Im tired of hearing, ignore them, be the bigger person, if they are calling you names they’re leaving someone else alone, Its easy to say when you have no idea what its like

Support from my family is lacking, but i know im not alone, we all have our own lives an problems, but sometimes they make me feel miserable too

My younger brother again fell out with his girlfriend, was drinking an had to stay with us, i was told how grey my hair was an that i have a double chin now as ive gained weight, makes you feel loved right? when even your family criticises you, i dyed my hair today, but it wasnt even that bad, they just pick at every flaw an it drives me crazy sometimes

My older brother has left rehab an is now in independent living, hes just away home after two weeks of living back with our aunt, lying that there was a family emergency an had to come home, really a girl that had been in his rehab was on the run from the police after breaking her bail conditions an she needed a place to hide for a while, she an my brother are sort of together, casually… She was handing herself in last i heard

In the mean time hes started taking pain killers an muscle relaxers, trading one addiction for another

My aunt is now running around an sleeping with a childhood friend, coming back after smoking joints an covered in love bites… My Mums arthritis is getting worse an i feel for her, but i cant listen to her talk about how sore her knee is anymore, i need to get away, this family is not healthy for me, im going crazy

I see the mental health team on the 8th of may, i need help cause i have no where to turn, I’ve  been worn down an im just tired of it all

The Vampire diaries: Finale

This is a different kind of post, an has nothing to do with my actual blog, its just for fun

The vampire diaries is the only show that ive never missed an episode of, usually i record shows or catch up online at some point, i try to take the show as i find it an try not to think too deeply about it, as after all its just a show, but im a fan so why not, why cant i have my fan moment, pretending its real an talking about it like it actually happened 😄

as much as i loved the show, the finale left me with so many questions, which if i get any of the following wrong, or you have your own opinion or disagree, feel free to comment and/or correct me, an please just take this with a pinch of salt, its not meant to be serious

Ok so, lets start with katherine, who by the way was my favourite character, along with bonnie 😍 

I have to admit, i was dissappointed… She became the queen of hell, or cades world at least, like cade she got others to do her dirty work, vicki etc but unlike cade she didnt have any special abilities, she came back powerless, even though she was a traveller, so there wasnt that same level of fear about her, she was not ‘katherine’ anymore, they killed her so many times in the finale, it became funny

There was no fight, she became the easiest to kill baddie in the whole show, it took one episode when usually it takes a whole season, an i know nina didnt really have the time, im glad she returned for the finale, but katherine deserved so much better than what she got given as a character

I would have loved to see her finally find peace with nadia an her family, who as you know were all murdered

even though nina plays both elena/katherine, i always thought of them as seperate people, but in the finale, i found that hard to do, i think it was the wig, an also ninas face has changed since she last was on the show, or maybe it was all the wig, as at the end, with her natural, now short hair, she looked more like the elena/nina we know

while she was pretending to be elena, they killed her, an in the mean time she had time to change an curl her hair… Also while as elena, she wore elenas dress, an she dressed the real elena in her clothes, that was thoughtful, i get modesty etc but i found that strange, its katherine afterall… Is there a wardrobe in hell?

Anyway, stefan decides to die with katherine, he stabs her while holding her as they are engulfed in flames, we see damon on the ground as the flames pass by, controlled by bonnie, so why couldnt stefan have stabbed katherine an then just thrown her into the passing flames, she wasnt putting up much of a fight, maybe to ensure she stayed there

Stefan gives damon the cure, im guessing he thinks as hes about to die, its either to stop damon from stopping him, or the fact that with stefan dead the cure would be gone, but this is before bonnie wakes up elena, so as far as he knows damon will age as time passes by, elena would wake up an damon would have either died or be ancient, the sleeping curse stops elena from ageing right?? Or wrong??

Also, when katherine had the cure, silas needed all her blood, but now it only takes a syringe full.. How does a syringe magically take the cure from the blood stream

Bonnie pushes back hellfire, with the help of her ancestors, she then says ‘i did it.. She should have said ‘we did it’ 

Bonnie decides to live her life an travel, even though everyone she knows is in mystic falls, kinda lonely right? Plus your best friend has just awoken from a sort of coma after four odd years an you decide now is the time, but then the show did skip forward to where elena had been through med school, soooo… maybe they did have time together before she left?

Also, it looked like enzo had moved on, bonnie could feel him, but didnt see him, what happened to her world that she created? An will she save herself for enzo, stay single for the rest of her life?? I have to say, bonnie was the best part of the finale for me

At the end, when everyone had died, they are reunited with their loved ones, elena gets to be young an beautiful an jenna/her parents look the same.. I get the whole cameo thing, but it was just a huh moment for me

Caroline stayed a vampire, maybe to help her move on to a role on the originals?? But as time passes her daughters an friends etc will age an she’ll live on, its kinda sad.. How an when will she see stefan again

Lastly, stefan is dead, bonnie is away an elena an damon are human… They say they grew old, but years of evil being drawn to mystic falls an we are meant to believe nothing else happened for the rest of their lives, an that not one vampire came looking to take the cure from damon, did elena an damon have any children?

An where did everyone go after they died, heaven i guess, but what about the evil ones? Actual hell… I bet katherine is cosying up to the real devil as we speak 😉😋 katherine, the spinoff that should but will never happen

If i was a writer on the show i would have made it that bonnie used her powers to blend her world with the real one, allowing characters to stay, an live out the rest of their lives together, show them old an happy, still best friends, still all together

anyway, i loved the show, an the finale did give me just enough… Gotta take it for what it is, an not for what could or should have happened, its up to you/us to make up your own ending i guess

A Codeine A Day… 

its almost christmas again, as i get older i still try to hold on to traditions from childhood, an easter egg on easter, carving a pumpkin for halloween etc but as time goes by, everything feels more hollow somehow, theres less excitment than before, theres no sense of wonder, maybe that comes with age, but i dont believe that

I feel sufforcated in this family, an its pulling me down, everyday im surrounded by the same stories of how everyone else is feeling, conversations ive had a hundred times before
things never seem to change, but as the saying goes, we have to be the change we want to see, an change is what i need, in the new year, im moving out, ive made up my mind, i need to have my own room to breathe, mum has in for a move herself, her arthritis is getting worse an with the stairs an being so isolated so far from town etc an with my step dad at work all day, she wants to move

I guess i’ll have to go private, cause the housing executive only gave me forty points, twenty of those was because im not well, which is nothing, i cant get homeless points added until mum excepts an offer on a new place an god knows how long that could take, an even then as a single man… so hence why im thinking private rented

I’m not happy in myself either, i was trying to take better care of myself for a while, id lost over a stone an was grooming myself better, hair cuts an shaving more often, little things, but i just fell back into old habits an regained the weight again an became lazy, depression has a way of doing that to me, i say lazy but really you just dont care anymore, id rather run around dirty in a bin bag to be honest, than have to conform to please others when it does nothing for me

i haven’t been going to the doctors, even though im feeling really ill, im just too anxious, they dont listen an every time i feel sick or am in pain im told its just anxiety, which makes me feel like some crazy guy making up ailments for attention an each time im taken less seriously

i haven’t heard from the mental health team either, the social worker i see now, always seems to be on holiday, who needs a holiday every two week, an as i told you before, they are saying i dont need medication, but that i feel better having it than not, so thats why i get it… i give up with these people

I cant speak to my family because im always over shadowed by someone else, my older brother is going into rehab after christmas, but its like hes trying to get as much drinking done as he can first, getting drunk an taking medication an cutting himself, being taken to hospital an wasting everyones time by going home the next day without getting help, if he behaved this way sober, i could understand, but he gets drunk an turns violent an acts out, he lives with our aunt who has to suffer with it, an the thanks she gets, he gave her a black eye because he woke up after drinking, he was calling for her an she wasnt home

my aunt has her own problems, her daughter was adopted, shes now twelve an is starting to ask questions, as you would, she sees her mum, my aunt, three times a year, but right now being confused about everything, she doesnt want to see my aunt for a while, which im sure is heart breaking, she also lost a baby a few years ago an it would have been her birthday not too long ago, an like my mum she has health problems of her own, an she gets a lot of abuse from my brothers calling her names about her weight etc its sad

An thats why i avoid going to their house, i dont need anymore misery, walking on egg shells an feeling uncomfortable

but we all get it, my younger brother, drunk, was making fun of my hair on friday, its childish, an you cant say anything because you get laughed at an told its only a joke, my hair was longer cause as i said i hadnt been looking after myself, when styled it was ok, but i had bed head an looked a mess, i couldnt really afford it but got it cut that day because i allowed him to make me feel bad, if its not that its the clothes i wear, the things i do, when my beard grows theres a few greys in it these days, the fact ive been single for quite a while, an my weight, which goes up an down alot, depending on how im feeling… its always something, my brothers are sheep, you know those boys who all have the same hair cut, an all wear the same brand name track suits, trainers an iphones etc thats who they are, where as ive always tried to be my own person, as much as i can anyway

talking about friday, my younger brother got drunk an got arrested an held over night, the police were only checking on him to see if he was ok, but he became abusive so they arrested him, hes on probation so hes looking at jail time again, i came home to mum crying to find that out, you ask whats wrong, but you’re thinking, whats happened this time

He’s about to come into some money next year, an has said he would pay for him an i to go on a cruise, to see the northern lights, i love the water an its something ive always wanted to do, but two weeks just him an i trapped on a boat an him drunk doesnt sound too exciting… His money will be controlled by the courts because in his hands id hate to see what could happen

i just want some sense of a normal life, as you know i myself grew up in foster care, an moved home at seventeen, an this has been my life ever since, ive never known a normal life, so you see why i have to get away now, i dont know why i havent already, making up for lost time but mostly fear i guess, just like how i havent changed doctors or done a lot of things

I feel lost, an lonely, im very emotional lately, somedays i find myself taking a codeine painkiller just to get trough the day, which doesnt sound like anything, but for me it works like diazepam an its only one, so im not abusing painkillers or anything

I’m keeping this post shorter than id like, cause im using a touch screen on the wordpress app which i hate, an its taking me forever to type this, no spell check or automatic punctuation that made me look like i was of at least average intelligence, oh blackberry how i miss you…

I Don’t Want To Be Me

I’m not myself, an this post probably won’t make sense but I need to clear my mind a little

I feel like I’m going crazy, like my mind has a million thoughts an voices, an they are so loud sometimes, I try to ignore it, but its like being followed by someone shouting at you an you can’t get away from them

I see people walk by me all the time, lost in their own lives, I sit there an I feel so invisible, I watched a movie last night an a line from it was, the worst thing you can do when you lock someone in a room, is press their face against the window, an you know its true, I’ve been a prisoner of my own making for so long, like I’ve been asleep for years

But now I’m waking up an I see so much, I see everything, I even see things before they happen, I’m not saying visions or anything, I just see things, like intuition, my mind is always so switched on an I can’t turn it off

Other peoples happiness is starting to make me angry, an I’m not a resentful person, I just want to scream sometimes because I feel so angry inside, like I could explode, but I hold it in

I feel like I’ve lived the same day a million times, an like I’ve had the same conversations the same, I can’t take it, I can’t be around it anymore, its like living in a bad movie

I see myself through someone else’s eyes sometimes, like its not me, I become confused walking the same path I’ve walked hundreds of times, but its like I’m lost, or there for the first time

Some days I wake up, an my emotions an views have completely changed, my whole being as a person, its like every night I go to bed that me dies, an a new person wakes up everyday

I don’t wanna see it anymore, I’m not suicidal, so don’t worry about me, but I don’t want to be part of this world anymore, I just don’t, but what can I do, I don’t want to die, an I don’t want to live, I just don’t want to be me

I don’t wanna be so, awkward, an backward, I wanna be happy when I can’t, its like mental illness controls your mind with a sort of pride, an it won’t let you be who you want to be..

I can hug strangers, but I can’t hug my family, I can’t say I love you, even if I do, I’m not even sure I feel love, I don’t want to be so guarded, so cold toward others, I feel broken because I’m not normal, its my normal, but I’m not normal,

They recently increased my duloxetine back to 6omg, which I’m used to, I asked them to, apart from that I’m only on mirtazapine 15mg, they aren’t meant to go together but I need something to help me sleep, they won’t give me sleeping tablets

Yet they tell me tablets won’t help me, but they’ll give me them anyway because it makes me feel better having them than not, that’s really irresponsible, an kinda f**ked up if you ask me, especially as my doctor just gave me a speech about serotonin syndrome

Its like putting a rat in a maze, me being the rat

They don’t get it, they’re paid to get it, but they don’t, you’re just another 15 minute meal ticket, 15 minutes an another couple of hundred to pay off a student loan or a mortgage, an don’t forget it, you can’t trust these people, they don’t care about you, when they go home at night, do they think about you, no, they leave you in the office, buried in paper work, you’re a name on a piece of paper or a prescription

You’re pouring your heart out, an they’re probably wondering what’s for lunch later

Sometimes it feels like you’ve fallen a hell of a long way down, you keep climbing, trying to reach the top again, when you realize someones been standing on your fingers the whole time

The only person you can really depend on is yourself, sometimes, an even then that’s not the best option when you’re ill

You can always tell by looking into someones eyes, if you see genuine kindness looking back, if they listen an don’t check the time, if they don’t interrupt, if they don’t beat down your feelings with their logical babble, then you may just be in the right place

An tomorrow, I’ll probably not feel this way at all, but that’s the ups an downs of mental illness, you just don’t know